September 9, 2011
Dear Finnegan,
Today is your last day with me. These last few days seem to be a blessing and a curse because I knew today would come. I am grateful to have been given time to say goodbye to you, but goodbye is so very hard. It’s too soon to say goodbye. It’s difficult to accept that soon you will gone.
I have loved you from the first day you came into our lives. I wanted to give you the best life I could – I wanted you to have everything you could possibly want. All I wanted for you was to be happy and content. I remember watching you trying to get Cassie’s attention, not understanding that she was deaf. I remember when we brought Rusty home and you stayed with him constantly during his first week, as if to say, “It’s ok. You are safe now”. I remember watching you wrestle with Cleo and Payson, and discovering puppy heads! Lepo was a different story, but that was as much Lepo as you! You were always so accepting of new additions to the kennel, the more the merrier! You made every dog feel welcome here. When you got lost the one night, I remember how out of our minds with worry we were for you.
You have always been such a joy to me. I look at you and see the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Everything about you makes me smile. I never tired of watching you. I know at times, me staring at your would freak you out, but I could not tear myself away from you. I loved your coat and color, your eyes, your whiskers, your fur, the softness behind your ears. You. Watching you run across the yard was – I was frozen in admiration for you. You are so very special to me. Being near you would change my world for the moment. Your spirit filled our house and made it home. You have always been my most favorite sleeping partner in the world. Whenever I could not sleep, I could depend on you. Your breathing would always put me in a restful slumber. Now it hard for you to breathe and I am filled with grief.
You will always be in my heart, and you are a part of my soul. It’s so hard to say goodbye today. All I want to do is hold you and wish the sickness out of you. It’s too soon. You are too young to go, you haven’t been with me long enough. I wish I could fix this – I feel helpless watching you breathe and struggle. This is the only thing I can do to end your pain and suffering. I don’t want you to suffer Finnie – you have always given me comfort when I hurt. I want to give you the same comfort when you hurt. I want to be selfish and hold on you as long as I can, but I know can’t.
I wish you could tell me what you would like to do today, and when you needed a break. I wanted to spend today doing everything you loved – but its difficult for you to be active, so we will sit on the deck waiting for Tuggs to make an appearance. I can’t bear to leave your side and I can’t believe this is happening.
I feel so lost knowing you won’t be here tomorrow. What do I do without my Finnie? I can’t really remember what it was like without you. I really don’t want to know either. I thought you would be here for such a long time, certainly more than seven years. I am so very very sad Finnie, I feel as if this grief will consume me. I need you here – I need your heart and bubbles here.
I hope we can be together again Finn. I love you today and I will always love you.
Me
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